Sweet and Sour

Yesterday I had an amazing day with my baby girl. We took the metra into the city with friends and she was a good girl on the train, smiling out the window & happily eating crackers. Downtown we took a walk and had a picnic in a sunny patch in Millennium Park. We had a good time but Reagan needed to take a nap so her and I left the others in the city and hopped on an express train back to the burbs.

On the train together we read her favorite book (The Littlest Kitten), played on the ipad, and looked out the window together. She was very talkative, but not loud, and kept turning around to give me little baby kisses on the lips. Talk about melting your heart into a puddle. Right before we reached our stop she caught the attention of a women across the car from us and began smiling and waving to her, and then burring her face in my shoulder when the women waved back!

Before bedtime last night we played upstairs and I had her rolling on the floor laughing hysterically! She kept making this funny noise to make me laugh too, and was very generous with her kisses.



Overall, her and I just had a great day together. And I don't want to forget that despite all of the bad news and stress that came up yesterday too.

I'm already so stressed about her health, and NOBODY seems to want to just stand next to me to figure this out. People give me suggestions that are so obvious that I'm offended that they think I may not have explored that possibility already. Doctors think I'm "hasty" and yet her dad thinks I'm not doing enough (but he's too busy to attend the doctors appointments). I've been told I'm not listening, but if nothing is being said I don't know what to do about it. I can't win in this situation. It's pretty maddening. No matter what I do, I have somebody pointing the finger at me saying "bad mom." Is it because I am a bad mom? Am I inexperienced? Uncaring? Uneducated?

Tomorrow I am going alone with Reagan to see her pediatrician for a weight check and tests, and hopefully I can make myself heard to the doctors. Hopefully I can manage going through them sticking needles in her legs and giving her a catheter for a urine test without crying. I feel stressed just thinking about it.

On top of this last night I find out that I am not getting my tax return. Apparently for a variety of reasons that I never saw coming, I actually OWE the IRS over $500. Plus they are investigating me because I'm late on student loan payments but I held a job recently (which none of my checks were ever over $200, not exactly much to work with). I don't want to get into too much detail because it will just upset me more than it does already. I'm extremely upset. I have a lot of bills I was very excited to finally pay off, not to mention my family who I owe money to, and now Reagan's dad because I spent his money this week with my friends in town with the promise of repaying it with my tax return. Now I am in a big financial hole with nobody to help me and no time for a new job. I regret EVER attending and wasting money on college. That's what started it all. Hindsight is 20/20.

I have more stresses, but I have to stop talking about it now. If I didn't have Reagan I would have probably already jumped off a building. Every issue I have is affecting other people I know negatively, and it seems I can't do anything lately without causing some one else stress/annoyance/more problems. I just feel like a burden to everyone I know except Reagan.

I know that I will solve my problems and forget how I feel at this moment at some point. But right now I am so extremely stressed I don't even know where to start looking for the solution. I just wish there was somebody holding my hand. That would really help. Hard times are easier when you have support.

What I learned from yesterday is that I have to take the good with the bad. I had an extremely great day, and also an extremely horrible day. Life is like that; it can be incredibly sweet one minute, and then imaginably sour moments later.

Now waiting for another sweet minute.