It's good to laugh about it.

Again: No solid news on Reagan's health. We have her blood test but we don't see the doctor til tomorrow afternoon. I will post an update afterwards when we know more. From what I can tell looking at her blood test though, we will probably end up seeing some specialists soon. More on that after tomorrow's appointment!


Yesterday I had some pretty high and low parenting moments. At the end of it all, I just had to sit down and laugh about it.

Reagan and I were upstairs having a lackadaisical morning talking on the phone with my bluetooth and sipping coffee while she played with her toys on the floor. I was just saying how nice it was to sit and down and not be stressed for a few minutes, when Rea came closer and I got a big whiff of something NASTY. I reluctantly peeked in the top of her diaper and sure enough, there was poopie coming out of her diaper and up her back! YUCK. Since I was talking to a fellow mom, I left her on the phone while I took her to her room to change the monster poopie lurking in her diaper.

It got messy.. She started wiggling like a little earth worm and insisting I let her roll over on her belly, despite the fact that her diaper was half off and half of the poo was still stuck on her. Oh yeah. Next thing I know she's flipped her self over, gotten poo on my sleeve and hand, ALL over her changing table, and on her clothes. Oh and remember, throughout this my friend is still listening on the phone, laughing hysterically.

I realize at this point I will not win the battle with wipes alone, so I stripped off her clothes, held her up and away from me (which made her giggle) and headed to the bathtub! I turned on the shower head and started hosing her off, but there was still a lot of poo stuck on her back and I didn't want poo-particles in my bathtub, so I decided to dash back and grab more wipes.

I sprinted into the bedroom and snatched the wipes, turned on a dime, and sprinted back towards the bathroom.

I just didn't make it very far.

I turned the corner out of her room at full speed and WHAM! ... stubbed my little pinky toe full force into the leg of the couch. HOLY D.A.M.N. I said a few four letter words and rolled around on the floor holding my foot saying "OW OW OW OW OW!!!!" And yes, my friend is STILL laughing hysterically in my ear. Maybe a little more sympathetically than before, but still laughing.

I got Reagan all washed up and in fresh clothes, changed my own clothes and washed my hands up to my elbows before I had a good laugh. My pinky toe is still in pain over 24 hours later, but I don't think it's broken. Jammed, perhaps. Oh, the joys of motherhood...

But truly, it is joyful.

Later that night after Reagan had been in bed for several hours, daddy and I were watching The Colbert Report, eating pizza and talking, when suddenly Reagan begins wailing from her bedroom. She has been sleeping through the night since week two, so when she does wake up we check on her.

Daddy and I both came in this time to evaluate the situation, and she was standing at the edge of her crib waiting. It felt a little chilly in her room so I sent daddy to turn the heat on. The second he left the room, Rea began to cry and pointed after him. She calmed down, but continued to look and point at the door. Finally, I stuck my head out and told him to get back in there with me.

Reagan is becoming an opinionated little child: She didn't want daddy to hold her. Or touch her. Or give her kisses. But she also didn't want him to leave the room. Finally, he sat down on the floor to wait while I rocked her for a bit. She leaned and squirmed to look at daddy on the floor until I finally sat down with her and joined him.

There we sat in the dark, listening to Dave Matthews Band lullabies, Reagan pushing daddy away if he got too close, and I just started giggling. Uncontrollably.. I couldn't stop.

That kid has made me okay with looking like an idiot making funny noises at the grocery store, getting poop on my clothes, jamming my toe, waking up anywhere between 7 to 8 am every morning, and sitting on the floor with her in the dark next to daddy at midnight.

Man I'm really not looking forward to that doctor's visit tomorrow...

While I'm waiting...

To get it out of the way: no news on Reagan's test results yet, although I spoke to a nurse who said most likely it will be ready on Monday, and I should hear from the doctor then.

In the mean time, I just have to get some things off my chest.

Since Rea's health issues came to the foreground, I have had many friends, family and even strangers calling, messaging, emailing, and facebooking me to say a variety of things, from encouraging words, requesting updates, to ideas and suggestions on what I could try for her. I understand (and appreciate!) that each and every one of these people have good intentions, and are only trying to help because they care. That's touching.

BUT (there's always a but), sometimes I wish they would hold back on the suggestions/ideas. Sometimes what is said may have good intentions behind it, but is really just frustrating for me.

Yes, I've considered perhaps she's just small. Yes, her diet is rich in protein and iron. Yes, I know it could be really simple or really serious, and no I do NOT want to speculate about what it might be until I have her test results back and a direction to look in. As a mother, that's just too painful to go there. And it's not productive.

And finally: NO, I have NOT considered (and will not consider) switching Reagan to formula instead of breastfeeding her. This is the one that really gets me. Again, I acknowledge that those who have suggested this to me had nothing but good intentions when they said it. I just have heard this from too many people now and I'm started to feel offended, and I don't want to be offended because I like and trust all of the people who have suggested it to me.

Let me defend and explain my choice to breastfeed:

Breastfeeding is always the ideal and best form to feed your child. Formula companies have been long and widely criticized for their misinformation, unethical marketing tactics, and downright lies to mothers everywhere. I want no part in it.

There are legitimate reason's that some mothers cannot breastfeed, and should have no shame in it. There are also situations where formula is the only way a baby can eat, and there is no shame in that. I am NOT attacking or criticizing anyone's decision to formula feed their child. Instead I am defending my decision (and right) to breastfeed mine.

Nutritionally, formula can't even touch breastmilk. It's specifically tailored for human babies to optimize their health, growth, brain development, and nutrition. Formula uses cow's milk as a base, and cow's milk is designed specifically for calves development, not human babies. Even adding extra nutrients, formula still does not scratch the surface of the health benefits provided by human breastmilk for human babies.

Nutrition aside, breastmilk contains human stem cells. HUMAN STEM CELLS. Do you know what this means? Dr Mark Cregan (who discovered this amazing fact) explains:

“It is setting the baby up for the perfect development,” he says. “We already know that babies who are breast fed have an IQ advantage and that there’s a raft of other health benefits. Researchers also believe that the protective effects of being breast fed continue well into adult life.

“The point is that many mothers see milks as identical – formula milk and breast milk look the same so they must be the same. But we know now that they are quite different and a lot of the effects of breast milk versus formula don’t become apparent for decades. Formula companies have focussed on matching breast milk’s nutritional qualities but formula can never provide the developmental guidance.”

Need I say more? I already have enough worries about Reagan's health right now, and the LAST thing I would ever consider is taking away one of the biggest health benefits I could ever give her. It's a gift that will last a lifetime, it literally keeps on giving! Without a doubt, Reagan's health issues are despite of my breastmilk, and definitely not because of it.

I know I sound angry, but I'm not. And if you suggested formula to me and you're reading this, I have no hard feelings towards you. It's not you, it's me! This is an issue that I have researched extremely thoroughly, and have strong feelings about. I don't expect anyone else to know all the facts just because I do, and I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I will still like/love you the same no matter your opinion/decision.

All I ask is that you support me too.

Helpless

Today was the big day. We saw the pediatrician and did tests, and I still have lots of questions and no answers.

It turns out the reason her doctor previously hasn't been as concerned as me was because Rea's medical records from before we moved here were never sent over as they should have been! The doctor didn't know this growth problem went back as far as it did. We got the records faxed over finally and did a weight check.

She has lost more weight... and she's still anemic. The doctor also officially diagnosed her with Failure to Thrive (as we suspected). Not good.

They did a urine test at the office and sent us to the hospital to get her blood drawn for some blood tests. What a HORRIFIC experience that was. I'm so glad I didn't have to be there alone, having daddy was a big help. They couldn't find a vein in her arm and had to retry 3 times. I have never heard her cry that way before today. By the third attempt she was screaming so much she started literally having a panic attack to the point she was holding her breath and couldn't seem to breathe. I held her really close and calmed her down as much as possible, and Charles asked if there was any other way to draw the blood besides her arms. With the amount of blood that was needed they said yes, but we finally decided to do a finger prick and draw it out, even though it takes much longer. I hummed to her while they did it, but she still cried until it was over.

We are supposed to get a call in a few days with the results of the blood and urine tests, and her doctor wants her in to have a check up every 2 weeks now to monitor her more closely.

No- we weren't given an idea by the doctor as to what could be the cause. No- I don't have any real idea (or guesses) myself.

I feel completely helpless as a mother. It's probably the absolute worst feeling I've ever felt. For all of the parenting books/websites/articles, homemade organic babyfood, strict breastfeeding, monitoring tv time, monitoring my own diet, and all of the love and attention we shower on her, there is NOTHING more I can humanly do for her. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I am hoping and praying her test results find the cause, and that it is something simple and fixable.

All of the love, support, and words of encouragement I've received already today make a difference. To all who have taken the time to say a prayer or give me encouraging words: thank you so much... it was much needed and much appreciated.

Sweet and Sour

Yesterday I had an amazing day with my baby girl. We took the metra into the city with friends and she was a good girl on the train, smiling out the window & happily eating crackers. Downtown we took a walk and had a picnic in a sunny patch in Millennium Park. We had a good time but Reagan needed to take a nap so her and I left the others in the city and hopped on an express train back to the burbs.

On the train together we read her favorite book (The Littlest Kitten), played on the ipad, and looked out the window together. She was very talkative, but not loud, and kept turning around to give me little baby kisses on the lips. Talk about melting your heart into a puddle. Right before we reached our stop she caught the attention of a women across the car from us and began smiling and waving to her, and then burring her face in my shoulder when the women waved back!

Before bedtime last night we played upstairs and I had her rolling on the floor laughing hysterically! She kept making this funny noise to make me laugh too, and was very generous with her kisses.



Overall, her and I just had a great day together. And I don't want to forget that despite all of the bad news and stress that came up yesterday too.

I'm already so stressed about her health, and NOBODY seems to want to just stand next to me to figure this out. People give me suggestions that are so obvious that I'm offended that they think I may not have explored that possibility already. Doctors think I'm "hasty" and yet her dad thinks I'm not doing enough (but he's too busy to attend the doctors appointments). I've been told I'm not listening, but if nothing is being said I don't know what to do about it. I can't win in this situation. It's pretty maddening. No matter what I do, I have somebody pointing the finger at me saying "bad mom." Is it because I am a bad mom? Am I inexperienced? Uncaring? Uneducated?

Tomorrow I am going alone with Reagan to see her pediatrician for a weight check and tests, and hopefully I can make myself heard to the doctors. Hopefully I can manage going through them sticking needles in her legs and giving her a catheter for a urine test without crying. I feel stressed just thinking about it.

On top of this last night I find out that I am not getting my tax return. Apparently for a variety of reasons that I never saw coming, I actually OWE the IRS over $500. Plus they are investigating me because I'm late on student loan payments but I held a job recently (which none of my checks were ever over $200, not exactly much to work with). I don't want to get into too much detail because it will just upset me more than it does already. I'm extremely upset. I have a lot of bills I was very excited to finally pay off, not to mention my family who I owe money to, and now Reagan's dad because I spent his money this week with my friends in town with the promise of repaying it with my tax return. Now I am in a big financial hole with nobody to help me and no time for a new job. I regret EVER attending and wasting money on college. That's what started it all. Hindsight is 20/20.

I have more stresses, but I have to stop talking about it now. If I didn't have Reagan I would have probably already jumped off a building. Every issue I have is affecting other people I know negatively, and it seems I can't do anything lately without causing some one else stress/annoyance/more problems. I just feel like a burden to everyone I know except Reagan.

I know that I will solve my problems and forget how I feel at this moment at some point. But right now I am so extremely stressed I don't even know where to start looking for the solution. I just wish there was somebody holding my hand. That would really help. Hard times are easier when you have support.

What I learned from yesterday is that I have to take the good with the bad. I had an extremely great day, and also an extremely horrible day. Life is like that; it can be incredibly sweet one minute, and then imaginably sour moments later.

Now waiting for another sweet minute.

Failure to Thrive

That damn ear infection snuck back up on us.

Reagan's temperature reached 105 under her arm on Monday, so I immediately brought it down with tylenol & a cold cloth and took her to the emergency room. They said her ear infection was very very mild, but the temperature was dangerously high (after 106 children are in danger for seizures), and her wet cough concerned the doctor so they ordered and x-ray of her chest to check for pneumonia. Thank God she was pneumonia-free, but they said her infection was viral, so as long as I kept her temperature at a safe level it should resolve itself.

My little trooper did a surprisingly great job in the ER, staying up well past her regular bedtime without becoming a brat. All of the nurses commented how good-natured she was (except during her x-ray and when they checked her temperature rectally!).

When we first arrived they weighed her and I was surprised she was 16lbs and 13oz, and less than a week ago at the pediatrician she was 17lbs 4oz... I mentioned this to the nurse and she said one of the scales must be off (almost half a pound is a big influx for a baby in less than a week). She said they check their scales frequently at the hospital (which I believe, it's a super fancy-pansy hospital), so I'm assuming the pediatrician's scale was off.

So basically Reagan never gained any new weight, she's still at the exact same weight she has been for the past 6 months. I am switching pediatricians, that is ridiculous.

Today she's fever-free and feeling great, but I still have lingering worries about her health... A friend who is a nurse heard about Reagan's other symptoms (not growing at all in the last 6 months) and mentioned a general diagnosis I had not heard of called "Failure to Thrive." I googled it and it unfortunately sounded a lot like her symptoms. It said 3 months or more of not growing for a baby was reason for alarm, and that if the underlying cause goes unidentified and untreated, it can lead to delays in development and important milestones. Thus far, Rea is still ahead of schedule on most of her milestones.

The causes for Failure to Thrive are numerous and could be many things: disease, food allergy, genetic disorder, poor nutrition, neglect, and about a thousand others. Many of which I can cross off the list (like poor nutrition and neglect) but many more can only be determined after a battery of tests.

Thankfully I already have a weight-check scheduled for next Wednesday, and tentatively scheduled blood and urine tests pending what her weight is. I wanted to do the tests at her last check up, but the pediatrician said that with her increase in weight (which I have since discovered never actually happened) that she thought I was being too hasty.

What upsets me more than anything is that I am her mother and spend more time with her than anyone, I am 100% in charge of her diet/nutrition, playtime, diaper brands, babysitters, EVERYTHING, and I have been telling my doctor I had a concern for over 2 months now and they have not listened to me or taken it seriously. Yes I am a young mom and my face looks like I'm 12, but that does not mean I am a bad mother or that I don't know what I'm talking about. I have 6 younger brothers and I know what a healthy growing baby should look like. I practically raised the last 4 of them (I was home schooled and stayed home with them a lot) so it's not like I walked into motherhood completely clueless.

I don't have super-powers or "spidey-sense" BUT I do have a mother's instinct, and it's telling me that I need to get to the bottom of this stat. Now to get a doctor on board with my mission...

Miss Reagan Belle

I feel ashamed how sporadic my posts have become. I apologize. My apology doesn't mean they are going to get more consistant, just means I'm sorry!

Hard for me to even know what I want to say when it's been so long between posts. Things have been so busy lately that it's difficult for me to take the time to write anymore, which is a shame since the only reason I have a blog is because I love to write.

So I'll talk about what has been keeping me so busy: little miss Reagan Belle, who turned 10 months old last week. She is developing ahead of the curve for sure! Since 9months she could wave and say "buh bye" and took her first steps when she was 9 months & 7 days! Lately she's been getting faster & walking longer distances; last night I literally witnessed her running!

Her personality reveals itself more every day, and I love watching her become a little person. Yesterday morning she spent time walking around with a baby wipe "cleaning" things around the house! She wiped down her toys very thoroughly, turning things over to get all sides. At this rate I'll have an extra set of hands to do the dishes and vacuum the floors pretty soon! ;-)


Reagan and I have also seen the doctor a lot in the last month or so especially. First she had an ear infection, and now because of a somewhat baffling health mystery: she is not growing, and hasn't since about 4-5 months old. Granted, she isn't off the charts small for a 10 month old, but she did go from the 70th percentile down to the 5th percentile. That's a big drop. As of her doctors appointment a few weeks ago, she had actually lost a few ounces.

I am small myself (5'2" and <100lbs), so it's not unexpected that Rea would be a little smaller too. But even small babies show growth, even if it's slower than "normal." We were sent first to a nutritionist about a month ago who gave me some good pointers for expanding her diet, but she also told me that her eating habits were highly unlikely the cause of the lack of weight/height increases for the past 5 or 6 months. Regardless, I started feeding Reagan extra, and more "fatty" foods after our visit. She started having one avocado a day (lots of the good fat) and combinations of kidney or white beans pureed with cooked chicken or turkey.

We went for another check up this week and since last month she has gained 7 ounces (finally!) but no height increase. I am not convinced that our worries are over yet, so in 2 weeks she will have another weight/height check up and I will decide if I want them to do some lab tests. I hate putting her through tests, but I need to know what is causing her stunted growth!

The "good" news about all of this is that we've gotten A LOT of use out of all of her 3-6 month clothing! I think all other parents can relate to the feeling that kid's clothes are often "wasted" because they get so little use before they're outgrown. Not Reagan's clothes! They'll probably be too ratty to pass down to anybody else by the time she grows out of them! I will actually be happy when she starts "wasting" clothes again because she's growing.

If anyone has heard that a baby not growing for 5+ months is even semi-normal, please let me know because it would make me feel much better. But honesty is still appreciated above all else. <3